Friday, March 27, 2009

If there's a smile on my face Don't let my glad expression Give you the wrong impression Don't let this smile I wear Make you think that I don't care

How to make a clown: an ode to Bull Shannon

A clown has a lot of curly hair that is never combed into a respectable form. A clown wears his hair like a halo surrounding his face. Sprouting from his skin like unruly light. His hair, his halo, I mean, is his way of getting close to Heaven.

Clowns put their best face forward. That's why the make-up. They put thick layers of foundation and concealer on their skin so no one sees their pores and realizes that the clown might be a human too. Clowns are fans of blush and lipstick. Clowns never really learned how to apply the make-up correctly, so they just smear it all over their faces. That way, instead of thinking the clown was serious in their attempt to wear make-up, people will be in on the joke with the clown. Because it is silly. Wearing make-up like that.

Clowns wear silly outfits with big buttons and short pants. Clowns wear big shoes and when someone steps on the their ridiculously big shoes, clowns go "ouch!" to make the people laugh, because, oh my gosh, no real person could ever have feet so big. This is how the clown tells you, "I am not a real person. I am a clown."

Clowns do tricks, like making balloon animals, to make the people like them.

When clowns go home. They take off the hair, it is just a wig you know. And they wash their faces of the make-up. They take off their silly clothes and put on jeans and very big sweatshirts. When clowns go home, they check their answering machines and they don't have messages, because when people call them, they are surprised that it is the clown's real name and real voice on the recording and not that of the happy, silly clown.

When clown's go home, they drink red wine and as they are eating dinner, they are afraid that they will choke on a piece of toast and the clown is afraid that it will take some time for the people to realize that the clown hasn't been to work for a few days. When a clown tells the people this fear, they laugh because they think it is part of his act.

Clowns are reliable for one thing: being a clown. If you know a clown, remind them of this. It will save everyone a whole lot of time.


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