Friday, March 27, 2009

If there's a smile on my face Don't let my glad expression Give you the wrong impression Don't let this smile I wear Make you think that I don't care

How to make a clown: an ode to Bull Shannon

A clown has a lot of curly hair that is never combed into a respectable form. A clown wears his hair like a halo surrounding his face. Sprouting from his skin like unruly light. His hair, his halo, I mean, is his way of getting close to Heaven.

Clowns put their best face forward. That's why the make-up. They put thick layers of foundation and concealer on their skin so no one sees their pores and realizes that the clown might be a human too. Clowns are fans of blush and lipstick. Clowns never really learned how to apply the make-up correctly, so they just smear it all over their faces. That way, instead of thinking the clown was serious in their attempt to wear make-up, people will be in on the joke with the clown. Because it is silly. Wearing make-up like that.

Clowns wear silly outfits with big buttons and short pants. Clowns wear big shoes and when someone steps on the their ridiculously big shoes, clowns go "ouch!" to make the people laugh, because, oh my gosh, no real person could ever have feet so big. This is how the clown tells you, "I am not a real person. I am a clown."

Clowns do tricks, like making balloon animals, to make the people like them.

When clowns go home. They take off the hair, it is just a wig you know. And they wash their faces of the make-up. They take off their silly clothes and put on jeans and very big sweatshirts. When clowns go home, they check their answering machines and they don't have messages, because when people call them, they are surprised that it is the clown's real name and real voice on the recording and not that of the happy, silly clown.

When clown's go home, they drink red wine and as they are eating dinner, they are afraid that they will choke on a piece of toast and the clown is afraid that it will take some time for the people to realize that the clown hasn't been to work for a few days. When a clown tells the people this fear, they laugh because they think it is part of his act.

Clowns are reliable for one thing: being a clown. If you know a clown, remind them of this. It will save everyone a whole lot of time.


Sunday, March 08, 2009

If I never loved I never would have cried.

I don't like the power that other people have.

They can make you feel real good and then they can turn that around and make you feel like a steaming pile of poop.

You need them to feel accepted.

You need them to feel accomplished.

You need them to feel likeable.

You need them to feel loveable.

You need them to feel balanced.

Other people can look at you sideways and make you feel like a lame-o loser.

Other people point out the flaws you have already tattooed all over your face.

It is very easy to disappoint other people.

Apologies don't mean shit unless other people accept them (apologies don't mean shit anymore anyway, it seems. Someone should let Sesame Street know that).

Other people can make you feel completely helpless.

You need other people to help you move furniture.

You need them to lean on.

They're great when the weather's nice, but when it starts to rain, most of them take off for higher ground and then you're stuck standing in an ever deepening puddle and fuck if you don't need other people to send you a lifeline.

Other people have so much power, it ain't right.

I feel like I am only okay in writing and even then, I am rejected 98% of the time.

I feel like the more you get to know me, the more you want to kick me out of the moving car and never see me again.

It would be better if my voice stopped sounding and my ears stopped hearing and it would be much better if I could move this damn couch by myself.

So, could someone please nominate either my Eclectica story, "I am so into you," or my Thieves Jargon holiday story "Me and Theodore dress up like Eskimos while we roast chestnuts on a hotplate," for a Million Writers award? I'd do it myself, but then they'd know that I nominated my own story and isn't that so sad.

Here's the story from Eclectica.

Here's the story from Thieves Jargon

Here's how to nominate.

I was going to nominate Lindsay Hunter's Hobart Story. It's amazing. But the minimum length for a Million Writers story is 1000 words and Lindsay's story is 983 words.

So I'm going to nominate her Thieves Jargon story instead. It is 1131 words.