Monday, September 11, 2006

Take 2: I drew a picture of that river.

I just read the post that I put up on Monday and it was shitty. I've re-worked it a little bit, here y'go:

A while ago, I posted an essay about memory and the desire to forget.

Forget as in to start over and we all know that to go back to the beginning is impossible. What's impossible? Consciously forgetting. Starting completely over. I could move and change my identity, but I'll still have traces of my former life hanging around. I'll like celery, but hate beets, etc.

Of course, there are those famous cases of amnesia (like that pianist guy found wandering by the ocan), but I've never heard of self-inflicted amnesia. And I'm sure that pianist guy hates avocado and doesn't know why.

So when I say there is a desire to start over. To be born as something else. I mean it is just that: a want. A desire. A request.

It's funny, the ways I've had to defend this essay.
People say to me "but you can't BE born, you're already alive."

To which I say "duh."

And when they (they being those who know who they are) want to know what it is in my life that is so bad that I want to start my life completely over, I say "shrug."

Because this feeling doesn't come from the desperate depressing days or the jump in puddles and laugh all afternoon days. It comes from a kind of confusing melancholy. It comes from the days of wondering "How the hell did I end up here?"

I want to be born.

So, okay, forget the definition of the word "impossible" and consider that you could start over. You could consciously walk out of your door one day and be something/someone completely different with new fears and loves and habits.

Change you name and everything you know about you, just everything about this person you're creating is brand new.

But, see, in order to do that, you have to give up everything that defines you now.

Starting over means starting new new new in this scenario. So give it up. Give it all up.

Click here to read the essay.

This video is just a taste of moments and memories. Most of the pictures have been posted on this blog. Others are from here and there.

1 comment:

ttw said...

your essay ruled my world. the video was my favorite. i even got to see spike!